Jon Reed Goes Off On... September 2007
Wednesday, September, 19 2007
Modern English Melts Your Memories
It’s been a long, strange journey for Modern English, from the epitome of new wave cool to....Cheesy Beefy Melts. From the black light glow of prom night heartbreak to the golden sunshine of sloppy melted cheese, Modern English has reinvented itself as fast food bottom feeders.
You gotta hand it to the Taco Bell marketing team. If I was only going to pick one song about melting stuff in order to sell some Cheesy Beefy Melts, I would have gone after Modern English too.
As for those of us who would prefer to remember “I’ll Melt With You” as the drive-off scene of the underrated teen classic “Valley Girl,” a movie whose soundtrack, a definitive sampling of early 80s New Wave, is still in print, we’re out of luck. Thanks to Taco Bell, “I’ll Melt With You” now evokes new memories, those of a multi-racial, demographically-correct serenade of cloying, pre-fabricated idiot couples held together with dripping cheese. With cynical apologies to the dumb-headed Coors Light “bogus press conference” series, “I’ll Melt With Beefy Cheese” is the worst commercial of the year.
I bought a modern English record once - I guess I owe the guys an apology for not buying more product. Guys, if you’d only passed the hat my way, I’m pretty sure could have raised enough money to spare you the indignity of warmed-over cheese. While I was at it, I could passed the hat for whoever owns the songwriting rights for Free too, before they sold the soulful “All Right Now” to the most soulless company in the world, AT& T.
I hope we don’t have Free lead singer Paul Rodgers to blame for this poor song stewardship. He should have a fat enough wallet from his generic years with Bad Company to avoid such a desperate crossroads. Anyhow, despite millions of dollars in wasted advertising and a few six packs for Paul Rodgers and pals, I can’t think of one thing about “the new AT&T” that has been of benefit to consumers. Shareholders, yes, consumers no - and if that’s what AT and T means by “All Right Now,” then I’m happy as heck to be wrong.
Come to think of it, it’s probably wrong to judge Modern English too. Typically, this blog has a “one hit wonder exemption,” figuring if you only hit the charts once, you probably don’t have much to show for it financially, so you should be able to pay the rent however you want. But I just can’t get that cheese whiz out of my head. Surely there was something else that needed melting that could have saved Modern English from themselves. Please excuse me while I sign off my computer, I have to go melt my memories.